Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Some not so random thoughts

September 1st is the first day of the Jewish month of Elul, which is also the first day of Ramadan (the 1st of Eylül). Elul is really important to Jews because it is a month of prayer and redemption, asking for forgiveness, a time to set goals, and commit to changes and recommit to G-d. Jews ask for redemption to be written into the Book of Life for the next year. (Actually, I just learned that Muslims have a very similar holiday, and they fast, same as Jews.)

My point is that, I am glad this is coming. I know I can ask G-d at anytime, but I feel like it's appropriate to do it then. There are many things I want to change, and I am already in the process of changing many things. Sometimes it is hard to notice in the process of...but now, thanks to a friend and a not so friendly slap in the face, I am very aware. But that's tough love, and I wouldn't want it any other way. Just like my mother would do.

Today my mom and I went to a funeral for a 21 year old girl who drown in Florida last week. A few years ago she was my mom's student. I know it's drastic, but if I died tomorrow, I wouldn't be ready. Or, I would have many regrets. I honestly try not to have regrets. I always look for the lesson or the positive. I regret not going to certain places in Turkey, but on the bright side, I have to go back and go there. (Little things like this I don't count as regrets.) But I do regret the way I have "loved," and how I have treated people. I really love being liked/loved...and not so fairly, I have easily lead people into loving me when I don't love them back in the same way. In the short term, it feels good, of course. Who doesn't like being wanted or liked? But, I know, I will sabotage myself for any true love I want in the future. I don't know why it has taken me so so so long to figure this out. Maybe because I never actually planned on truly falling in love, then when I did, I had already ruined it, and it was too late.

But I refuse to do it again to someone else, or myself, so I am changing, and I will ask G-d for forgiveness and ask people for forgiveness. I think it is harder for people to forgive than G-d. G-d may be disappointed, but he/she made me, my faults are very obvious, but to people, maybe it's not so easy for them. There is one person I couldn't fool and really, thank G-d for him.

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