Wednesday, October 18, 2006


I despise jumping through hoops, that really seems to be what this year has been for me. They're not enjoyable hoops either. It's like Mario having to get six golden coins, then still having to pass the final level only to jump over lava, avoid flying fire balls, and kill the evil man lurking in the cave who has more lives than a black cat on Halloween. Except there is no restart button, or even a pause! Sometimes I just want a breather, but it seems I can't get above water. Or I think I'm close, the surface it right above, the rays of light are filtering in, but then everything changes and the tide comes in, taking me farther from my goal. Having adopted for four years, I would have hoped I'd have fins by now, but no such luck.

Enough with the metaphors, I want to get out of here and graduate. Everytime I think I do enough homework, I still have four more novels to read, or I make great progress on my portfolio and then the rubric is flipped upside down. I want to come home and relax, but my house is so tense and I feel like I'm walking on egg shells not to piss anyone off, but then another part of me doesn't care at all. The three of us sat down and talked, but I feel like it's almost worse now. I want to write down everything that I feel, but I know my roommates read this and I'm sure I would offend someone, even though it's just my own ridiculous OCD tendencies.

I want to be out of Muncie and away from my sister, Ball State is the last thing I need to get rid of to be completely away from the path I once followed to be like Katie. I feel like I'm suffocating because it was the wrong choice for me to come here in the first place. I won't say that I haven't learned or grown, but I think I would have been much better off someone else, somewhere I was passionate about going and free to be myself. I feel like I'm constantly judged here against standards that aren't my own.

Plus, I'm lonely, so I've slept with this boy a couple of times, that I shouldn't sleep with because it's not fair to either one of us. Because it's not real, but I hate sleeping alone. Hate it.

I don't want to alarm anyone, this isn't my usual happy-go-lucky blog, but I needed to vent, and tomorrow is a new day. A day in which I have a midterm on early philosphers in my PoliSci class that is worth 1/4 of my grade, then I'm going to try to give blood again since my iron was too low today.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

i read your blog today Andrea. i hope things have turned around...