Sunday, April 30, 2006
Tomorrow I will have two months in my archives. That's so exciting! I've written a lot and I am finding it very helpful. So I shall continue.
I miss my friend Rachel so much. She's been in Oxford all spring semester. She's going to be back in Maryland on May 12th. I still won't be able to see her, but she has Verizon, so atleast I'll be able to call.
I'm so glad she had the opportunity to go abroad, I'm sure there isn't anything like it, and next spring when I go, I'll be the happiest girl around, but I miss her so much it hurts. I know she has no idea that she's hurt me, nor is it her "fault." I would never blame her. But after spending a whole summer with someone and becoming so close, it physically hurts now. Then the hurt makes me mad and somewhat bitter. I have the most ridiculous thoughts, how can she go and not call, email, or write. (Her computer went to shit shortly after she got to England.) I'm so bitter that part of me doesn't even want to talk to her when she finally does get back. I feel like she abandoned me. I know this isn't about her at all, I'm sure there is something deep inside myself that I'm not fulfilling and I'm taking it out on Rachel and her absence, but I do want to talk to her and hangout and be Gettysburg friends again. So many great times: almost die every morning when we'd get up and run at 6am before going to the farm, hawk tickets for the worst ghost tours, laugh so hard because one or both of us farted, run around in the rain to lock up the barn, teasingly name each other's boobs after part of the battlefield, wear our headlamps outside at night to pee when our toliet didn't work. We were so ridiculous, but I feel like I'm not normal without it. The worst part is that I don't feel like I know her anymore, nor does she know me. I pray that it's not true, when she does get back she'll prove me wrong, I know she will, I hope she will.
I think this is why I don't open up to people, I don't know if I opened up to Rachel or if she willed her way inside of me not accepting my usually well constructed walls of defense. I know she'll always be with me, no matter where in the world either one of us is located. I just pray that things will go back to normal when she finally gets home safely. There is something special about that girl and I miss it.